Only after, never before.

Only after the dark clouds have lifted, does the sun appear.
Only after you lose the first, do you hold the second one dear.

Only after the storm, does a rainbow fill the sky,
Only after you live, can you begin to accept to die

Only after becoming a mother, do you learn the meaning of life,
Only after growing into a woman, can you become a wife

Only after the passing of the one you love, can you begin to feel
Only after the acceptance of this, can you begin to heal

Only after making mistakes of your own, can you freely judge another,
Only after forgiving yourself, can you ever be a mother.

Only after the darkness sets in, can you begin to see the stars
Only when the rain falls down, do you realise how childish you are

Only when your heart breaks in two, do you know how much you cared
Only when your all alone, do you miss the times you shared

Only when your at breaking point do you finally see the light,
Only when you have had enough, do you learn to put up a fight

Only when you get completely lost do you truely find yourself,
Only when you meet the one, do you realise how you couldn’t ever love anybody else

Where the heart is

A couple of quotes from an extremely heartwarming, hard hitting and beautifully written story about a young pregnant girl (played by a young Natalie Portman) who goes from having absolutely nothing to eventually having everything.

A tale of true love, strength of character and the human sprit.
A must see for all.

Tell them we’ve all got meanness in us…But tell them we have some good in us too. And the only thing worth living for is the good”
― Billie Letts, Where the Heart Is

“Awake, she struggled to fill the hours until she could sleep again. But nothing she did made her feel whole. If she ate, she didn’t taste the food. If she read, she couldn’t remember the words. If she rested, she still felt tired”
― Billie Letts, Where the Heart Is

“Our lives can change with every breath we take.”
― Billie Letts, Where the Heart Is

You live and you learn

What is the biggest mistake you have ever made?

Have a think for a moment, there are probably thousands upon thousands to filter through. (Unless you are completely the opposite to me or half the population) I want you to think of the one thing, the one regret which literally tears down your walls of your soul. strips your character down to the core and tears a hole in your heart when you think about it.

Got it?

Now think of a time in which you felt truly wonderful, free and at peace with yourself and the world. The very moment everything became so clear, a time when every breath you took felt like a new beginning, a fresh start and a new lease of life. The pinochle moment in which your life as an adult began to take shape and you finally began to accept your future and let go of the past.

My question for you today, is how many of you are able to link these two momentous occasions in life together? Do they cross over or compliment the other? When you think of the first scenario do you then follow it up with the second? Do you think that the time between your biggest mistake and the time that you felt truly at peace with the world was in fact the part of your life that is often described as “growing up” “finding yourself” or “the time when I thought I knew everything but I now realise I knew nothing”

My reason for asking this today is this.

This morning, four months following the breakup of my one year marriage (I promise not to bore you with the gory, extremely dull and depressing details) I spoke on the phone this morning to my ex partner. Although the conversation started off in a civil manner it was only a matter of time before things got heavily out of hand and out of context.

To cut a long story short, I was once again made to feel like the worst person that was to ever walk is planet, almost like a modern day female reincarnation of Hitler. I was tempted to later go and buy a nazti uniform and a Tash just so I look the part as well as I “supposedly” fitted it.

I was 17 when I met my children’s father, He was 23 at the time, so still young, naive and a tiny bit wreck less at times but still respectively older and wiser than I. He came into my life shortly following the break up from my childhood sweetheart from high school, which again without going into any gory details, was at the time the love of my life (as all childhood sweethearts often are)

Things happened very fast, he liked me very much from the off, whereas I was still very unsure, unstable and uncertain of my emotions. Eventually after a few months we began dating and unbeknown to me I was still obviously hurting and upset about the previous breakup. I was extremely unhappy on the inside, however hopeful that things would eventually get better (I’m sure we have all been in this situation before)

Turns out in the end, which I think I knew all along in my sub conscious, was that the relationship was built on lies, a lack of love, respect and deceit. Due to everything happening so fast and not ever really getting a chance to come to terms with my feelings and any issues I may of had at the time, leads me to feel that this is the reason behind me making a lot of mistakes during this relationship. Before I knew it I was a mother of two, soon to be a wife and if I’m being honest, looking back I had no idea of the person I had become and whether or not I even liked her. I’m guessing I didn’t. Who would?

So here I am now, 23 years old, alone in the garden, talking to an iPad. I find that in these times alone, no matter how depressing it may seem, it is actually an extremely healthy and positive moment to be able to have. I read a short while ago, sometimes you have to get really lost in order to find yourself. This I believe to be extremely true and I can vouch for this without a shadow of a doubt

So here are a few things in which I have eventually realised to be beneficial and perhaps true; to people who obviously have compassion for others and a non black and white approach to life and situations.

1. It is perfectly acceptable to make mistakes in life, it is the most natural thing for humans to do in order to grow develop and become a better version of themselves.

“You build on failure, use it as a stepping stone, close the door on the past, don’t let it have any of your energy, any of your time or any of your space” -Johnny Cash

2. (Ties in perfectly with previous quote) Just because you have made mistakes and done wrong in the past does not mean it then it has to define you in your future.

3. Be honest about your emotions. Don’t run away from them. Face up to what has happened and take positive steps to move on, even if others can’t. At the end of the day I truly believe it is not what you have done that defines you it is in fact what you do NOW that counts.

“It is the highest form of self-respect to admit our errors and mistakes and make amends for them. To make a mistake is only an error in judgement, but to adhere to it when it is discovered, shows affirmity of character”

I can’t believe that only half an hour has passed from when I was experiencing feelings of overwhelming emotion, confusion, agitation and delirium. I am now able to see things so positively, I am continuously impressed and fascinated by the power of the human spirit and the strength of the human heart.

I have finally seen the light at the end of the tunnel (which at times seemed never ending) I have come to accept my past as a time of immaturity and the desperate need for love and attention. Sadly, during this time I ended up breaking hearts, mine included but I guess that is all part of growing up.
For me to say that I am happy with accepting this as a part if my life, would be ridiculous, of course I’m not happy with any part of it, I mean who wants to accept that they have ever made a tone of horrendous misjudgements?

Although I am ashamed of my past and the decisions and choices in which I have made I am also extremely greatful to have been given the chance in life to make mistakes and also the capacity to learn from them.

For the first time in my entire life, I know what I want. I know who I am, I know who I want to be and I know who I love and who I can trust.

Although the past is a hard pill to swallow sometimes, it is how you move on and learn from it that counts.

A lot of deep breaths, shoulder crying and blog entries have got me to this point where I can happily say, be gone to the past and hello to the future.

I hope all of you can say the same too!

Here’s to life and to everything that comes with it.
X

Home at last

For the first time in almost two weeks the broken pieces of my heart have been put back together again, I finally got to see my two little boys after what felt like a ridiculously long time apart.

I welcomed the boys back with a grand feast of chicken pie, “mummy’s chips” and beans. I would like to say it went down a treat but instead I was just bombarded with “I love you’s” “mummmmmyyyyyy’s” and “guess what I did’s) For the first time in probably forever, I welcomed the chaos with open arms causing my heart to instantly fill back up to the top with love within the space of a few seconds

I got pushed around the garden at high speed (might I add) on my four year olds Mickey Mouse bike by my almost two year old son (yes it was a painful process, but worth it to see the smiles on the boys faces)
We watered the plants, drank cups of tea together and ended the evening with awesome cuddles on the sofa all together. I carried both up to bed kissing them repeatedly on the journey up and eventually tucking them into their warm beds..

As I write this I can actually feel myself glowing, beaming, shining like the brightest star in the darkest sky. Being a mother is most possibly the hardest but most rewarding, uplifting and inspiring job you could ever have.
I truly feel like the luckiest person in the world tonight even though life is far from perfect at the moment. I still have a lot of strong tides to ride out but I tell you what I am just going to enjoy the ride and grow some strong sails in the process.

Keep smiling, keep hoping and keep believing

X

Insomnia.

Last night I cried and I mean like REALLY cried. My neighbours could have quite easily mistaken the sounds coming from nearby to be the ones of a newborn child. Except these cries were not filled with joy, hope and innocence, they were in fact full of heart wrenching pain and complete and utter loneliness.

My once comforting “red blanket” couldn’t even save me from the dark realms of empty ness that my heart endured. My trusty pillows that I can always rely on to be my friends. The type that adapt and mould themselves to anything that you want them to be, yep you guessed it, these could no longer be of assistance either.

After completely drowning myself in helpless tears, I began becoming accustomed to the cold silence in which surrounded my dishevelled physique.

After hours of tossing, turning, huffing, puffing and crying (yes I had a few tears left at this point) I awoke to the pleasing smile of the sun which beamed through my bedroom window onto my creased and mentally bruised and pale face.

I would like to say I leaped out of bed, as usually after having a moment such as the one I did last night, a more positive and bouncy frame of mind and body should indeed perhaps follow. I didn’t leap out of bed, instead I carried on lying there until everything made some kind of sense.

Finally I fell out of bed (yes, I rolled myself off) I just figured it was the easiest and less energetic way of starting the day. After all I had just worked an horrendous night shift (felt like it)

After surrendering myself to the possibility of this fine day which could possibly await me, I dragged myself to my bedroom window.
Now everyone always talks of epiphanies and how once you get one, your entire life changes for good, for the better and everything finally becomes clear.
Now usually at the ridiculous hour of 6am I usually don’t see anything interesting in view, just the odd cyclist, crazy runner guy or woman and a few cars racing past at a ridiculously dangerous speed.

This morning however, I saw an extremely fragile but beautiful old lady outside. She was being held up by two men, one of which was also pushing her wheelchair in front. After a few seconds, this lady collapsed to her knees and could not get up. My heart dropped and all I wanted to do was to run outside and help this poor woman and the lovely two gentleman which were helping her. I couldn’t take my eyes off them, mainly because I wanted to make sure she got up and was okay but secondly because an overwhelming feeling of “shit, that is life at its worst” An old woman who I’m guessing once was full of beauty, love, fun and admiration for all things around her, was now helpless, extremely fragile and most likely at the end of her possible fruitful life. It hit me in this moment that this will come to us all, life as we know it will eventually deminish, fall from under our feet and gradually leave us.

To my relief the lady eventually managed to get up and into her wheelchair with the obvious help of those two kind gentleman. She looked so pained, so fragile, yet still hopeful. Hopeful of life, appreciative of the morning sunshine, grateful for the love and kindness which surrounded her in that moment of weakness.

This is when it hit me. When life hit me, right in the face.

We all get lost sometimes, we all hurt, we all love and lose people that we adored. It is how we move on from it all at counts. The positive steps in which we take after our greatest fall or defeat, that’s what defines us in the end.

Have an awesome day and remember that where there is love there is always hope. Hold on to that in your darkest of hours in this chaotic conquest in which we call life.

Sending you all lots of love, happiness and positive vibes on this beautiful sunny morning in July x

(If I can write this just almost two weeks after hitting my complete and utter rock bottom, which admittedly did put me in hospital, then surely that gives hope and strength to us all, at least I hope it does)

A mothers heart

A love like no other, Is felt by a mother
A night apart, is enough to break her heart.

A picture becomes a movie of emotion
A lonely soft toy reminds her of her devotion.

The storm outside deepens, widens and strengthens so does her heart,
A week has gone by and still they are apart.

Opening paragraph to first novel. (In progress)

An extremely pretty but obviously worn and poor young girl sat alone on the sharp, untouched, historic cliff face which hovered over the stunningly beautiful village of Rose Hill. A place littered with flowers, waterfalls, laughter and plenty of sunshine. Everyone knew everyone here. Except Sarah, the girl who was spotted sitting alone on the edge of the cliff above all of the seemingly extremely happy folk who abided below.

No one would notice if I disappeared now, the world would continue spinning, the stars would still come out every night, sand would still lie beautifully at people’s bare feet and the problems of tomorrow would remain in the distance for many, Sarah pondered. The idea of an idyllic way of life and existence seemed way out of arms reach for Sarah, the prospect of hope and happiness had been swept from underneath her overly pummoused, bruised and worn feet. Her family, her entire life, had been taken away from her. She had no home, no job and only one change of clothes which were horrendously compacted together in her already worn and soaking wet navy blue drawstring bag.

Thoughts of her own solitude and distance from the whole of humanity dawned on her. In some kind of private rage, Sarah begin grinding her heels knuckles and buttocks into the piping hot cushion of sand which surrounded her. In hope that soon, the ground would engulf her entire body if she were to dig down deep enough. Thoughts of plummeting to the rocky, crab infested coves which lay underneath her also crossed her narrow mind. A huge gush of wind surrounded Sarah like a cucoon, suffocating her already shallow breaths and engulfing her progressively fragile body.
All thoughts left her for that moment as her gaze broadened into an already brighter, cleaner and safer distance. As the sun set on the horizon, Sarah sat contemplating and accepting the emotions in which were felt in that ridiculously stupid moment of self destruction and despair.
As the sun set in the distance, Sarah caught a glimpse of something which unbeknown to her, would certainly change her life forever.

Soulmate

Sincerity
Oneness with the world
Understanding one another in every way
Linked through like mindedness
Magnetism
Affinity to each other by the mutual love shared
True love upon the meeting of eyes
Equal minded people

Acceptance

Confounded within these walls,
The one only I can break

Suffocated by the silence
Gone be the promise of give and take

Hungering for true love
The kind that powers the mind

Desperate for understanding,
The one that soul mates find

Accepting all is lost,
Tears a hole inside ones heart

Nothing makes sense at first,
You wonder where to start

It is true that time’s a healer,
The light does eventually appear

Finding inner peace and solidarity takes strength,
When you lose the one you held dear